Is She Facing an Unplanned Pregnancy? Here’s How You Can Support Her

As a partner of someone who recently found out she was pregnant without planning to be, it can be overwhelming to consider the possibility of being a dad. You may be tempted to either run away from responsibilities, or tell her what you think she should do. However, now is the time to act as a team and make the most of the situation, together. While the ultimate decision of what to do with her pregnancy is in her hands, you can be supportive by keeping an open conversation, researching options, and staying involved in plans for the future.

Understanding the Situation

Before reacting emotionally, take a step back and gather information about the situation so that you both can talk about your feelings and next steps without making a rash decision.

Confirm the Pregnancy

First, she should double check that she is pregnant. She can do so with an at-home urine pregnancy test that detects hCG, a hormone that is produced during pregnancy, after her first missed period. She can also get a blood test from a medical professional, which is more accurate and can detect pregnancy earlier.

Get an Ultrasound

Once she knows for sure that she is pregnant, she should also get an ultrasound to determine how far along the pregnancy is, as well as check for an ectopic pregnancy (when the egg is implanted outside of the uterus and cannot survive, which can be dangerous or fatal to the mother). An ultrasound can be an emotional time as you witness the reality of having a baby. Make sure you communicate whether you want to attend and if she wants you to be there.

Understand Your Options

• Parenting

Becoming a parent is a life-changing event, so it’s good to prepare yourself for what it would entail. For example, how would you manage child care? Are you able to afford financially supporting a baby? Are you willing to make sacrifices to put your child first? That said, you won’t know what it’s like until you experience it, and there is never a perfect circumstance in which to have children—but you may regret missing your chance to have them.

• Abortion

In Minnesota, abortion is legal throughout pregnancy. Medical abortion/chemical abortion (commonly known as “the abortion pill,” though it consists of two pills) is conducted in early pregnancy up to 10-11 weeks after the first day of the last menstrual period. Procedural abortion (also known as surgical abortion) removes the fetus by vacuum aspiration (up to 13 weeks after the last menstrual period) or by dilation and evacuation (14 weeks and up after the last menstrual period). While carrying a baby to term has potential for complications, there are also risks involved in abortions, such as infection, heavy bleeding, and incomplete abortions. Even though she would be the one undergoing this procedure, you should stay informed about the process and its risks so that she doesn’t have to feel alone.

• Adoption

Adoption, it’s important to note, isn’t giving up, but rather considering what is best to meet your child’s needs. One way you can support your partner if you are both open to adoption is to work together to create an adoption plan, including what family would adopt your child, and how often you as a birth parent would get to see your child.

Abortion/Adoption Grief

If your partner chooses abortion or adoption when you had already pictured yourself as a father, it can sometimes lead to feelings of loss, depression, and anger. This disenfranchised grief can be hard for others to understand because you’re not the one that experienced the abortion or had the adopted baby, but you are still mourning the possibility of fatherhood. It’s important to process these emotions and get support. Reach out to Support After Abortion or find a support group of other birth parents to start healing if this describes what you are going through.

Your Role and Responsibilities

Your relationship with your partner may be complicated, and you may not be in a position to co-parent in the same house. Whatever you decide your relationship looks like going forward, however, you should contribute to the conversation about pregnancy options, and, if she decides to carry to term, stay involved in the life of your child.

Communicate Openly

Talk with your partner about each option and what life might look like for each one. Start with an open-ended question like, “How are you feeling?” Listen to her thoughts and keep an open mind to her perspective. But it’s also important for you to share your own feelings, values, and how you might step up in each situation. Her decision might hinge on whether she can trust you to be an equal partner.

Learn about Parental Rights

As you continue to discuss and get closer to making a decision, start thinking about how you might split responsibilities around the house and with child care if she decides to have the baby. If you and your partner are separating, visualize your ideal parenting plan for spending time with your child. Even if you are staying together, research your parental rights so that you can legally stay involved in your child’s life.

If you are married and have a child, both parents have equal parental rights. However, if your partner is having a child out of wedlock, you may not necessarily have rights including being able to raise or make any decisions about the child until you become their legal parent.

In Minnesota, the unmarried mother has sole custody until the father establishes paternity and seeks custody. You can establish paternity by either signing a Recognition of Parentage (ROP) form with the mother, or going to court to prove that the child is yours (Paternity Adjudication). After you are considered the father, you can request custody so that you can have a say in decisions (legal custody) and/or be physically present in the child’s life (physical custody). This can be shared with your partner (joint custody) or, if it is in the best interest of the child, restricted to one parent (sole custody). Regardless, a legal parent without custody will generally be allowed some parenting time (formerly known as visitation).

For more information about rights of unmarried parents, visit: https://www.lawhelpmn.org/self-help-library/booklet/rights-and-responsibilities-unmarried-parents

Be Supportive

Regardless of what your partner chooses, show your partner that you are in this together. It took both of you to make this baby, and both of you need to be responsible and accept the consequences. But you also don’t have to be alone in making this decision. Trusted family and friends, therapists, and options counseling can all be resources to help you make the best decision for your situation.

What if I Don’t Know How to Be a Dad?

Learn to be a better parent at our Foundations of Fatherhood classes. These are community based classes for both new and expectant fathers on Tuesday evenings from 6 to 7:30pm. Through these sessions, you can expect to learn positive parenting behaviors, activities that promote healthy child development, and strategies for effective co-parenting.

Sign up today:

Sources: Unplanned Parenting, Clearway Clinic, American Adoptions